Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
