i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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