Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
