I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
