I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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