I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
