I cannot find my penis.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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