6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
