Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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