A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
