I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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