Yo dont text me then not text me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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