We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
