how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
