Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
