were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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