I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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