He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
