wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
