Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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