we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
