The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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