you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
