I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Sober January is a disaster.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
