So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
