so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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