i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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