How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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