At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
