Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
