I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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