Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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