Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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