Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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