I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
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