now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize