You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
