So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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