Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
