Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
