Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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