do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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