I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
