She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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