you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
