dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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