i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
