THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
