Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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