Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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