my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why is your signature on my underwear?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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