so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize