eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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