Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
