Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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