My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
