it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
