Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need a beard to bite.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
