Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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