I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
