I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
