He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
